My mum said, “Just try your very best. Everyone wants to do everything but not everyone can do everything that they wanna do.”

But mum, not everyone understands that.

I just got a letter from the Ministry of Health and it’s a shockingly thick one indeed. I guess by now you’d probably know what the contents are all about.

The introduction of the letter says that I’m turning 21 soon and basically I have to decide whether I wanna donate my organs or not when the appropriate time comes. Truthfully, this didn’t even cross my mind at all. I mean it’s not even a topic during lunch breaks.

It’s like suddenly asking me whether I opt for euthanasia or be pulled out of the life-saving machine.

But it did got me thinking for a while. And by doing that, I’m being hesitant. That’s so not me. I’ve always believed in giving out more than taking in but my selfishness kicked in somehow this time round. Maybe because it really involves me, me… you know?

I guess I’ll put the submission of the forms on hold first. Not that I wanna consult people for advices but more on doing some soul-searching on this issue.

Will you donate hmmm?

The salt: To have done everything that you possibly can to achieve the best but in the end, failure is what you get.

The wound: To come across the exact same scenario again. The feeling is so “wtf! how can this be?”

The salt on the wound: To be wrongfully blamed by someone whom I thought I could somewhat trust.

The medication: To have people who can see the bigger picture, reassure their faith on you despite you being badmouthed. And these people are not even close to me. But for now I know who’s real and who’s not.

The recuperation: Tahan a bit more? Switch alliances? Put on a mask? Damn I hate history lessons.

Frankly speaking I don’t have much time to blog nowadays. My clock ticks like a time-bomb whenever I don the civilian suit and touch my heart, touch my soul… I do miss writing or in this case, blogging.

And I do miss a-hundred-and-one more things like photography and even the simplest of stuff like kicking a soccer ball. Gathering every Saturday morning for a kickabout is really tough lately.

Tekong is scenic, really. The sea view is awesome with planes soaring high every now and then. There the moon seems bigger, the stars seem brighter and the skies really feels like its protecting me with its endless hues of blues and blacks.

Usually I’d take out my cam, close my left eye, look into the viewfinder, frame the shot and press the shutter. Hah! Now I can only smile silently as I recall those carefree days.

For those who frequent my virtual space, I guess you’ve realized how being a recruit has changed my virtual life too. My heartfelt thanks for putting me on your bookmarks for easy access but my updates are only gonna be as frequent as the Great Singapore Sale.

But I do go to every single one of my links on my site, keeping myself in occupied in each and every one of your stories be it going out jalan raya with friends, posing so cutely for group shots, or your endless raging banter about the things happening in your life.

Keep on writing guys, I’ll be more than happy to be drowned in your words. Heh.

For the record, I haven’t gone Raya-ing except the first day of Raya when I went over to my aunt’s place. Raya this year to me is not about the ketupat, kuih or green packets. Attending the prayers and hearing the takbir are already more than I can ask for.

Every time I book out, I thought the 1-month Hari Raya celebration is over but seeing families still wearing matching baju kurung and friends laughing sheepishly over the number of green packets that they got, I can only smile as I turn my view back to the fast moving world outside the window that is unfolding as if it’s out of a movie reel.

Pretty soon, I realized that I am reaching my bus stop. I put on my jockey cap, slung my field pack over and made my way down from the back of the bus.

For it will be then will I know who I really treasure the most  in my life,
who I have been taking things for granted all these while,
who I have been closing one eye on all the sacrifices that they’ve made.

***

Reminder to self:
Alang, you need the money more than I do for your chemotherapy.
Mum, you need the rest more than I do to recover and sustain the family as a single parent.

 ***

The day that my second girlfriend dumped me, I felt so down. No actually, I felt betrayed. After all the tender loving care that I gave to her, she just had to turn her back on me at the very critical moment.

For so long I cleanse her, rub her and even oil her to the extent that I felt she would stand out from the rest of the girls out there. In the wee hours of the morning I offered to pick her up from her place without any complaints. I’d hold her hands everytime, everywhere we go and only letting go after I had made sure that she’s safe and sound back at her home.

After all that I had done for her, I just asked for one thing in return - to perform and not fail on me. Just that one simple request. Nothing more. But what do I get in return? Exactly the opposite.

And because of that, I had to pay the consequences. Even if it’s not that heavy, I still felt the impact. But I’m gonna give her a second first impression, that benefit of a doubt for the mistake that she had made.

She fucking better not let me down the next time round man.